how many ways can a boy distract himself in one evening?

instead of writing this history of photography final I have (so far):
-cooked a lush dinner of potatoes, assorted veggies, beans, little hot dogs, apple juice
-watched a national geographic show about mount Vesuvius erupting, while eating said meal
-downloaded age of empires II, which I played for an hour+
-stretched on the kitchen floor
-did the dishes
-downloaded a cute little jack spade theme for my google chrome browser
-checked my e-mail, twice

BARF.

It's not that this is a boring subject. I enjoy learning about the historical events of photography. I do NOT, however, enjoy composing a group paper. BARF BARF



This semester has suddenly dragged.


Today, for example, I was sitting in Acting III class, studying British dialects in preparation for our Noel Coward scenes. And it hit me. I don't want to do this kind of acting. I certainly have no desire for Shakespeare. FUCK. That's what's missing - the passion and drive I had.

Although, when I look back on Acting I and II, I was more terrified than anything to go to class. Sure, I enjoyed doing the work, but I constantly was doing my work for the professor - what will Ellen say? What will David think? Bullshit. With Kevin, it's still been critical, but as I look back on this semester I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere.

So, I'm not motivated by fear. And I'm not reeeeally doing the work, or my best at that work. So hm. What does that say? Either I need to look inside myself for the passion, know where that lives, and get through the rest of the program with that..? Or do I just say fuck it, obviously I've lost my passion for stylized acting (if I ever had it). And yet, I absolutely LOVED Girl Gone. That post-modern, ultra-contemporary work was so damn tantalizing to work on. It was almost delicious - the process, the material, the methods Paul had us doing. I wish all I did was that sort of work.

So then I think, perhaps I do have passion for acting still, I either (a) haven't found it for the more stylized work, and/or (b) it's for contemporary styles.

So where what when how why

Blah, blah, blah.

Where does the little Evan go? I still want to audition for tv/film/commercials. Contemporary theatre would be phenomenal, too. Paul Lazar, I'll just join Big Dance Theater. There we go.

And THEN, there's Law School.

I wanna sink my teeth into that, methinks.
But do I go straight from undergrad to that? Take a year off - defer enrollment for year? (Can you even do that for law admissions?) Am I giving up on acting that way? Have I already?


Just when you think you're getting somewhere...



aaand I didn't mean for this to be so long. Yick. Back to work.

I think $700 dollars for a flight from NYC to Paris (roundtrip) is way too fucking much.

Also, I think not having journaled or written here is too much.

LAAAAAME.

BUT, new rule for any sort of journal/bitching work I do: No self-diagnosis. Clearly, I do not have a clear perspective on myself or the situations that I get myself into.

So, there.



Also, goodnight.

Tennessee Williams & Greta Garbo. A chance run-in on 35th and 5th.

"Miss Garbo," Tennessee said, "it's Tennessee Williams."
She turned and smile behind her dark glasses. "Oh, it's you."
He said he was acting in his own play downtown, and he would be honored if she would accept tickets and come and see him.
"How wonderful," she said. "But I can't accept. You see, I do not go out anymore"

Then she turned and hurriedly entered the store. As he watched her disappear, Tennessee commented, more to himself than to me, that she was the saddest of creatures, an artist who abandoned her art. And that was worse than death, he said, it was worse than anything, to live on without your art.


This is from Tennessee: Cry of the Heart by Dotson Rader. It really is quite a brilliant memoir of his life - and the struggles he faced.

Did you know that he choked on a pill bottle in the middle of the night? He choked to death.

I don't know if anyone has ever read this, but I was researching Tennessee Williams for our scene presentations from Streetcar, and I came across the following poem. Maybe I'm too cynical, but I find this to be so very honest. A true representation of how people interact - a familiar dynamic, at the least.


'Life Story'
Tennessee Williams


After you’ve been to bed together for the first time,
without the advantage or disadvantage of any prior acquaintance,
the other party very often says to you,
Tell me about yourself, I want to know all about you,
what’s your story? And you think maybe they really and truly do

sincerely want to know your life story, and so you light up
a cigarette and begin to tell it to them, the two of you
lying together in completely relaxed positions
like a pair of rag dolls a bored child dropped on a bed.

You tell them your story, or as much of your story
as time or a fair degree of prudence allows, and they say,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
each time a little more faintly, until the oh
is just an audible breath, and then of course

there’s some interruption. Slow room service comes up
with a bowl of melting ice cubes, or one of you rises to pee
and gaze at himself with mild astonishment in the bathroom mirror.
And then, the first thing you know, before you’ve had time
to pick up where you left off with your enthralling life story,
they’re telling you their life story, exactly as they’d intended to all
along,

and you’re saying, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
each time a little more faintly, the vowel at last becoming
no more than an audible sigh,
as the elevator, halfway down the corridor and a turn to the left,
draws one last, long, deep breath of exhaustion
and stops breathing forever. Then?

Well, one of you falls asleep
and the other one does likewise with a lighted cigarette in his mouth,
and that’s how people burn to death in hotel rooms



thoughts?

I think that often times, life is too inhibiting.

break out.


do whatever the fuck you want. fuck what other people think.

Can't sleep.


Stream of consciousness:

Exams, balls, Tim, gross facial hair on my chin, cute shoes, t-shirts chopped up and turned into head bands, thoughts, living freely, understanding what it is to distract yourself, rubberbands, Starbucks (twice in one day), Stuart James Billmeier, the Guggenheim, Catherine Opie, masturbation, Adrian Saunders (he understands how to spell), Reggie Lynch, Oedipus, theatre history, Jill Stevenson, Red hair, Hug a Ginger Day, Jackie, New Jersey, Kearny, the Sopranos, HBO, Six Feet Under, Frances Conroy, Our Town, Lincoln Center, the West Side, MTV Music Awards, Britney Spears, celebrity documentaries, mockumentaries, movies, Milk, Sean Penn, Madonna, English countryside, $15 million estate, children, divorce, affairs, love, lust, hatred, indecision, fear, boys, love, understanding, chunks, chicken, lots of chicken, nuggets.  thinking instead of writing. your scent. your scent which i will never forget and still remember to this day.  i didn't wash those shorts for months. i didn't put away that suitcase for months, either. the cloudy day in connecticut.  wistfully wanting something again.  the doubt, the self-inflicted fear, but wanting to know so badly.  what could be.  what was.  what can never be. what will always be.  the time we walked about aimlessly, and found a pile of snow.  wearing shades of gray.  grey. solitude. serenity.  Fergie. deodorant. showers. jocks. Superman. Spiderman. Comic books. Batman. Heath Ledger. acting. voice and speech. exam. practical. home. freedom. nothing. everything. lazy days. lazy everything. nothing. freedom and rest. relaxation. sleep.

goodnight.

'The SS Dicky was washed ashore onto Dicky Beach in 1893 during a cyclone. It was re-floated, but again, heavy seas turned the ship about and back onto the sand where it remains to this day.'

Found this on Flickr. The beauty of this image is astounding. It's currently my desktop background.  Funny to think that it was washed back onto the beach where it sat before.  Funnier to think how we do this to ourselves.

We make the same mistakes over and over.
Washing ourselves back onto the shore, blinded by the fog of ignorance and selfishness.





this has been a heavy weekend.

but things will get better.  i have to make them better-only i can do that-but they will get better.
i think it's time to stop being afraid of people not liking me.
my relationships and the problems i have over and over again are because i'm not listening to me.  or maybe it's that i'm listening to me too much and not listening to those around me.  i find myself so overcome with fear of wanting to be liked and accepted and appreciated that i try so hard and get myself in trouble.  then i make mistakes.  then i get myself into ruts. into terrible straights that i cannot pull myself out of and make more mistakes.


i do this with guys.
in past experiences, i told them what they want to hear.  because somewhere, somehow i think i'm scared.  of not being accepted. of hurting other people.  and when make this mistake, i end up hurting others and myself.

it is terrifying to challenge the world.  to challenge intimate relationships.


i would very much like to scream. to go to the river and let everything out.

think that would be a good idea.















i need to write more and more and more and more.  very frustrated with how my writing is right now.  it's weak and uninteresting.  selfish.  flat.  ugly.

I'm sitting on the couch in my living room where for the past half hour I've sat with only one contact in. Things were blurry, but I thought my eyes were just fucked up - which they are. Not this time. Just a lost contact.

I took out the other one and now I see clearly.

4 roommates
4 laptops
4 blue faces - lit up by LCD screens
4 isolated individuals spending quality family time together


I'm one of them right now. Make those fours into fives.




Today was brilliantly forgettable.
"choose happiness"
-Kaylyn Scardefield


It was an obscure moment -a flicker of a second - before class. But it stuck with me as I struggled through the floor exercises and into my afternoon. In the end I chose to be happy, or at least to not linger on negativity. It's funny how little things build; how tiny, seemingly insignificant words, memories, interactions can affect a person.

Whatever. I'm babbling.


I thought of a new idea for a screenplay. Or short. Or something. I want to film a movie. But I'd like to write that movie first.


Untitled.
A Dark Comedy.

There are these people, much like social workers, who are sex counselors.
They offer services in observing children and telling the parents if they are gay. This way the child can grow up in the most healthy state of mind for their sexuality. This boy has grown up being told that he is gay. He has lived the life of a young gay teen.

But he's not gay. And he's realizing the importance of being true to yourself. In an inverted and twisted world, how can you convince others of who you are? Or do you even need to?



Definitely needs to be a comedy.
A dark, tragic comedy.

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

Oh, and to keep track of reading this summer...I'm making of list of what I've read so far.

(Finished) Jane Eyre (Bronte)
You Shall Know Our Velocity (Eggers)
Dry (Burroughs)
Uncle Vanya (Chekhov)
The Bell Jar (Plath)
The Kite Runner (Hosseini)
Glengarry Glen Ross (Mamet)
(Currently) In Cold Blood (Capote)

We'll see how I'm feeling after In Cold Blood..

Next:     Lolita (Nabokov)  or For Whom the Bell Tolls (Hemingway)

Happy Independence Day!

Pardon the Sex and the City moment I'm having, but could I feel anymore like Carrie Bradshaw at the moment?

Forget the sex.  None of that has been going on for a quite a while.  So I suppose it's just the city part.  And single life. 

Living alone has probably been the most interesting aspect of my life in New York.  I have struggled with many things this summer and also learned so much.  Maybe it was a crazy decision to live alone in a two bedroom apartment for the summer, but maybe all of this has happened for a reason.  I wouldn't trade living in Bushwick for much... I'm finding out a lot about myself and understanding that many things I've so often worried about don't much matter.  And as much as I like being alone, I also know that I need interaction with other people...regularly.  Hah.  Maybe it's a sense of freedom that I've found.  I'm learning to not be constrained by my environment, but to flourish within my environment and live in an unrestricted way.  Maybe all of this sounds like bullshit, but there's truth somewhere at the root of it all..

Chip, Marcus, and I had Boys Night last night at my apartment. I can entertain!  (And I love it...!) I cooked, we baked, talked about ridiculous subjects, and enjoyed each other's presence. Waking up with truly wonderful friends is splendid...a feeling of bliss has been washing over me all morning.  I wish I would have lived at the turn of the century in Britain.  I'd have a large country home and entertain my friends for the summer months.  Perhaps I'll just buy the Biltmore Estate and make it my private playground.  Definitely.

Anyway, life is enjoyable at the moment...I'm happy and things are really going well.  Ben Sherman is fantastic.  Friends are fantastic.  And so is looking at apartments tomorrow morning with Ray, Jackie, Heather, Ashlee, Andrea and Tony!  I cannot wait to get moved into that new place, wherever it may be.

That being said,  I think a part of me will always stay in Bushwick, hidden along the exposed brick walls of Apartment 4R.

This week has been terrifying. Extremely stressful.

However it's nice to know that a week from now I'll be finished with classes until September.  Wow. 

But what is so scary is that I still don't know where I'm going to live when I move out of the dorms.  Next friday. FRIDAY.

This June workshop is going to be wonderful, a truly rare opportunity, but this housing shit is worse than I could have ever imagined.  Everyone said that it was crazy trying to get an apartment, but it is the scariest thing I have ever done in my entire life.  Part of it though, is the short window of time we have to get the apartment, even though that is how the market works here.   Many of my other friends get the apartment the DAY they go looking.  Part of the stress is stemming from my frustration with Liz and Nicole.  Good god.

Since Spring Break the plan has been for me to just live with them for the summer, and then get a permanent place with everyone else for the school year.  However, that hasn't proved to be a good solution, because Nicole and Liz can't really afford to get their own place that would accomodate someone else staying with them.  Anyway, as the end of dorms has approached, and all deadlines with staying for summer and/or next semester, they haven't made much progress.  After weighing some of the pros and cons of each situation, I thought, Why not?  Why not just get on the lease with Liz and Nicole and get and apartment for the year?  Kaylyn has also become semi-committted to this arrangement.  But the biggest problem is trying to get a two bedroom for four people.  With all of us requiring guarantors, and not being able to afford a broker's fee, we are really caught. Maybe this is just a roadblock for the time being, and all of this will work out, but right now I just can't handle it.  Fucking apartments.  Fucking New York! 

I needed to rant about all of this.  It's so fucking frustating.
I think the biggest, scariest part of all is that for the first time in my life, I am completely responsible for myself.  My dad can't just figure out where I'm going to live, he can't go and look at the apartments and set everything up.  And that goes for all of us.  It's a level of responsibility that I wasn't prepared for.  I know I can handle it, and at some point things will get smoothed out, but it's all so fucking scary.

If nothing happens, Ray offered for me to stay with him for as long as I needed this summer. 

We're growing up. so fast. Ah!

I don't want to grow up. I want to be a lost boy and live in the wild.

it's okay, he's just not that into you.








brilliant.

brilliant.


and even if he was, look at where we live.






i'm considering some time away from the city this summer....perhaps a week or two after my workshop to travel. with lauren, obviously. i need to roadtrip or backpack...head out into the vast unknown and have no idea where i'm going to end up.





oh, and i'm coming home for the weekend of april 25th. that will be refreshing. refreshing. fresh.

I would prefer a distraction from you.

I'm decent.  I'm bogged down with work that I have no desire to do. I am worrying, worrying, worrying. And I'm living in perpetual limbo with anything pertaining to you.  Can someone let me know if I'm giving this too much attention?


I need to go to DC and just forget everything here.
I need to throw myself into my work; to get this monologue out of its shapeless blob.


Also, a less annoying roommate would be nice.
I can only handle so much Skype and hearing about all the boys you're going to hook up with even though you have a boyfriend.
I have zero respect for that.

Also, you are an idiot and have no opinions or real thoughts for anything that matters.

Waffler.






 

Someone shake me out of this low spot. 
I want to write a play or movie. Any takers?

I am incapable.
 


What have I got to lose?
Take a chance. Take a chance you stupid ho!


I suppose you know you have problems, or are at least gay, when you find advice in Gwen Stefani's lyrics. 
Whatev.

I need to be able to talk to people.
To carry out conversations.

I need to stop being afraid.
Afraid of what? Um.
Being judged?  Being laughed at?  Being thought not cool enough?


I need to hold out conversations with people. 
Communication should not be a scary thing.


I also need to not freak out.  About anything. 
Because in the end, regardless of what happens,
will me freaking out have made anything better?
Probably not, but it surely will have
made things more stressful for me. 



Stress is no good thing.

What have I got to lose?
Take a chance, Evan. 

my jokes nearly always fall flat.
i am not so witty.
i make odd sounds. a lot.
and i am not so photogenic.

The past few days at Hartt were..a roller coaster. Hah, I mean, I had so much fun. And then there were my moments where awkward Evan came in. O Idk, I think I'm too hard on myself in those situations..even though the whole set up was a bit awk. I get down on myself for one small thing, and then everything just seems to build up on top of that. I think that's what happened. Because I was noticing my awkwardness and then I'd worry about being awkward,but then I'd just even more so. Ellen would not be happy, haha, my object of attention was definitely on me in those sitautions. However, had I focused it on the other people, things would have been different. Blah, blah blah acting is living and life is acting and throw bigger balls.

And fuck people who judge you before you meet. Hah.
I could have just heard something out of context, or maybe it had nothing to do with me, but seriously. That sparked a lot of my worry the past two days..


I hate the word awkward. I want to burn it. I'm going to delete it from my vocabulary and see what else I can use in its place, because it's just too vague and makes me feel shitty about myself. A few weeks ago I talked to Arianna from Ann's class, and I mentioned that when I first meet people I'm pretty quiet, standoffish, somewhat anti-social. She mentioned that it was probably some sort of defense mechanism...and it definitely makes sense. I've never thought about it in that way, but really. honestly.

I think I'm afraid of being judged by those new people. Especially when I feel like I need to impress them. So, I play it safe and am the quiet, awkward boy who nobody really remembers. Sad, I know. But whatever, I really want to try and calm the fuck down. I wish I could re-do this weekend and get out of the mindset that it was a pass/fail situation. I know Liz invited me 'as a friend,' but she probably wouldn't have asked had it not been for Tim. So really, instead of going with a friend to visit her friend, I was focused on Tim and me...which is probably weird sounding since we aren't actually together. Anyfuckingway, I really like this Tim character. Goof. ..and I wanna see where it goes.

On a lighter note, but with a more serious tone, I went to a theatre internship fair today. Fucking amazing. I think I'll go sift through the materials now, and just enjoy the quiet. No one is in the dorms, and I couldn't be happier. I'm so excited to just be by myself for a bit and chill out, catch up, and ponder life some more.

:0)

Why is it when I want to talk to you I can't? That when I actually try, nothing of substance comes out? My mind gets all fuzzy and my palms become sweaty. I loathe myself and hate the fact that I'm not cooler, hipper, funnier. I become flat, static, a vague outline of who Evan is. Or even who Evan isn't. I want to be more comfortable with myself so that I can be comfortable with him.

How is it that that I have become so distant to Ashlee and Ray and everyone else? What's happening? I feel so unsure of things right now. And I can't articulate. Ball sack. Balls. Ashlee leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The way she acts, I feel like there is so much negative energy. And I don't want to be around that. Maybe I'm just having a gross interpretation, or we're just drifting as friends sometimes do...at this point I'm just feeling really lost and unsure of where things are going.




I want Connecticut to go so well.
I need it to.

Can't sleep right now, although I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.


Each and every day, I find my future becoming more and more clear...a solid structure that I'm building, have been building for a long time now.

Before I moved to New York and started college, the idea of being an actor was such a fucking scary deal. People seem to have this idea of a struggling, starving actor, living desparately day to day in the jungle of New York City. I'm not trying to say that being an actor is a breeze, or that it would be very difficult. What I mean is that living in the city already, getting settled and knowing the industry, the theatre companies, making contacts and networking is such a HUGE help. I'm already starting that process, and hopefully living here this summer will help so much too. I really want to try and audition...maybe just for the sake of auditioning.

At this moment I am so excited. I could not have been luckier to get placed in Ellen's class. She is so inspiring and without even trying pushes us to become better actors. I feel so refreshed with theatre. There is SO much going on. There is SO much to learn, gain, and benefit from. I couldn't be luckier to be in New York right now; it is such a wonderful feeling.


Watching good, or even awful, theatre mesmerizes me. I am so reminded of why I'm here...remembering that acting isn't as selfish as I sometimes believe. To entertain, connect, and maybe even distract people from their normal lives. I want to enrich people's lives, to help them view the world in a different way, perhaps open their eyes to something entirely new.


Matt leaves for DC tomorrow. Tonight was wonderful..I don't want him to go! He'll be around..probably back really quick next weekend, but still. I'm excited for him, and it'll be so cool to see Lord of the Flies in a few months...but ahhhh, he's already helped me so much this semester. He has helped to ground me, clarify my thoughts and fears, and given me something to aspire to. I respect him so much.



I suppose that's a nice place to stop.